Jawaad Qamar: Creative Writing
A married couple called Harry and Lily lived on Zeus, an island at the foot of the volcano Ciprus. Both had jobs on mainland Hawaii, they commuted differently from most, by boat. They believed they were the only ones who knew about their beautiful home, but they were wrong. One day something happened. A knock at the door. Terrified, Harry opened the door.
A man. Nobody spoke until he did.
“Yeah, this is a shock but there’s no time,”
“What?”
“The volcano’s going to erupt rather soon,”
They both got the message and started packing after the man was invited in. Soon they were off to Hawaii.
The man started to explain himself, “I’ve was on the island long before you. My only purpose here was to study Ciprus. I detected that it was going to erupt and I decided to leave straight away with you guys. Luthor, my old friend with whom I have not spoken since coming to the island will help us. If I can contact him.”
Nobody else spoke until they got to Hawaii. As they reached Hawaii, there was a man with bodyguards and a helicopter waiting. He was the man’s old friend and was called Luthor. He said he could save the man and Harry and Lily. They accepted, without revealing their suspicions about the plan. As the man said, Luthor and he hadn’t spoken in a long time.
After being airborne for quite a while, Harry asked the questions which he should have before getting into a stranger’s vehicle.
“Where are we going?”
“Quito, Ecuador.” Luthor replied.
“What happens when we get to Quito?” asked Lily who had entered the conversation.
“Well we will then stay in a hotel for a few days wait until the chaos of the tsunami in Hawaii dies down.. Then I’ll help you financially to start a new life.”
Suddenly the man started laughing ridiculously, he whispered:
“A lie.”
Luthor interjected, also amused, “I’m going to kill you. As I’m head of Aztec.”
Lily cried with despair.
“A few months ago, dear Lily and her wonderful environmental firm started suing my precious firm for reasons like dumping oil into the lake. We started losing the case. So now I just want to kill you.”
“But what’s the point?”
“There is no point, I just want to win.” Luthor responded.
There was a car waiting for them when they landed.
“I have a house prepared, to kill you”.
Whilst driving Lily suddenly shot the bodyguard and man without hesitation, which caused the driver to stop the car. She probably had the gun the whole time. Luthor was speechless.
Lily said “Everyone, GET OUT!”
Lily shot Luthor. She called 911 and explained everything to the authorities. They both realised they had to disappear and thought of a place to hide but live peacefully; Brazil.
Three days later, they arrived at the not so well known Brazilian city of Santa Catarina. Harry and Lily started a new, peaceful life.

December 8, 2014 at 12:38 pm
Word Count: 500
Comments: A simple story which orders its facts in a sensible way, relying on short paragraphs and simple sentences to tell the story. The vocabulary is fine and shows a good level of consistency through the spelling and grammar. Sequencing of the information and ideas is fine.
To improve this piece the candidate could focus on a single incident in more detail, and perhaps offering an extract from a larger story rather would help this. This would allow their clear fluency to be well demonstrated across the piece.
Provisional Mark: 32/40