A knock at the door. Time stood still as they took a moment to understand what just happened. This ‘knock’ was a sign of change, a change which wasn’t welcome. A knock meant so much more here on the island than anywhere else, the majestic peace had been disrupted. Harry felt as if he was choking on air, he had been so free and alive until this one point but now he felt as if his heart was in his mouth. They were on the island, for the sole purpose of being alone. They had wanted to get away from the war and chaos that had been consuming their lives. Now after all this time, twelve years in fact they were not. They needed to process their defeat. After all, someone was there with them and may have been with them the whole time.
Lily would remember this day for the rest of her life. Harry and Lily hadn’t even heard the sound of another being breathing since they stepped foot on their island twelve years ago. War had been inevitable but the confusion and turmoil wasn’t. So to get away Lily and Harry wanted something different, somewhere different, that was the island. From the day they arrived they believed Tiprus would be their haven of peace forevermore. But this single sound had changed all of that. This noise made it feel like the beginning of the end. The beginning of chaos and frustration all over again. They had finally felt like it was really their home and somewhere where they could rebuild their lives after having experienced the devastation that the war had caused. But now all of that peace and all of that hope which they held so dear had been snatched before their eyes in an instant. Simply, they were unable to comprehend how they lives had just been obliterated.
Time had become obsolete. It was becoming a factor here, perhaps the person outside was becoming as frustrated as they were. This knock continued to change their lives, not just by disturbing the peace but by disturbing all that they held dear. The lovers stood frozen in silence for what seemed like an eternity with their minds filled with an apprehension for the future that neither of them thought they would ever have to experience again. The waves of Tiprus, sounded a million times louder now. Harry in particular couldn’t properly take in the fact that their island with all of it’s beauty and magnificence was no longer their own. The fighting and madness they had left behind had found a way to creep back into their lives with the will to destroy any hope and clarity they had.
They did not move. They could not. Anxiety and fear was all they could feel. After all, both of them knew that no matter what stood behind that door the beautiful lives they had created for themselves was about to end. There was no way it could continue, an impossible feeling of despair overcame them just like before. Time continued to fly by and eventually Harry rose up to this impossible task.
Harry after quite some time, realised what had to be done. And if not for him but for the sake of his wife and their unborn child. Their child deserved so much more than the small fraction of happiness they had had. But to do that they had to face this obstacle upon the way. So whatever happened when the door was opened it had to be made sure that their baby was not affected. Harry understood all of this and so finally he did it. He opened the door.
In front of him stood the emaciated figure of a man with a crazed look in his wild eyes. The sight and idea of another being there with them on the island was simply bewildering. Harry however couldn’t focus on him instead all he saw were the smoke and ashes coming out from the volcano behind the man. He felt that trying and trying to come out of a nightmare which he could not waken from would be of some comfort. Lily was different, she could not help but stare at this strange man who regardless of his intentions was about completely change their lives.
A silence lingered in the room which was only interrupted only by the occasional sound of waves crashing on the beach. Their lives had been disrupted most probably for the worst but Harry thought to look for the future. Maybe not all people were as evil as he had been, the alleged leader who didn’t rest until all was in despair. After a while they realised it may not be so bad. There was hope. They were vulnerable and scared but maybe there wasn’t anything to fear, especially from a man who appeared to be just as scared and vulnerable as they were.
January 2, 2015 at 2:54 pm
Jawwaad, the narrative that you have included here is good. However, you would need an entire novel to really do it justice!
There appears to be too much action here. Your writing shows that you are so intent on getting through all of the action of the story that you are forgetting detail. It reads almost like an adult fairytale.
I would suggest looking at a particular moment within the narrative and fleshing it out. The moment of a man arriving on their sanctuary to disrupt their peace could be full of tension.
Focus on describing the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and feelings in this place. You will have to sacrifice some of the narrative.
January 25, 2015 at 6:33 pm
Jawwaad, this is a far stronger piece with the adaptations you have made.
Targets:
1) Your opening uses a series of short sentences to engage the reader, however it is now a little over done.
2) You need a greater depth of description within your work (use the 5 senses as your guide).
3) Try to include a more sophisticated range of vocabulary.
4) You have made some typos. Amend Yeah Fam.
5) You need to ensure that your ending is as strong as your opening. The speech within your work detracts from the growing tension your develop.
Current grade: 35/40 (B1)
February 4, 2015 at 5:52 pm
Sir some feedback please.
February 5, 2015 at 8:04 am
Jawwaad, this is stronger and more interesting to read now. You build up tension well.
Targets:
You should be careful with using too many short sentences at the start of the piece. They can lose their effect.
It feels like you are repeating material because you mention about being alone too many times. While you may want to hold back the reason for the knock, something needs to change in the room. You have two paragraphs of anticipation.
There are some minor inaccuracies and typographical errors. Be sure to change them as this hinder yours mark.
35/40
February 5, 2015 at 6:48 pm
Jawwaad, while I appreciate you have tried to lengthen some of your sentences to meet my feedback, you cannot simply replace full stops with commas. You need to add additional clauses that add detail to the sentences, rather than simply putting the existing sentences together.
You must maintain your tone thoughout. You have some occasional slips which break the sophistication of your piece.
February 5, 2015 at 7:05 pm
I understand the extra detail required but would it be possible for you to tell me an example of how may tone is inconsistent.
February 5, 2015 at 10:18 pm
I’ve tried.
March 24, 2015 at 7:51 pm
Jawwaad, some feedback:
Paragraphing is a little dubious. Have a think about how you are using them to show a development in the narrative or a change in tone or a change in subject.
Check sentence structures. You occasionally have too many clauses in a single sentence that makes it difficult for your reader to make sense of.
Current grade: 35/40 (B1)
March 30, 2015 at 4:11 pm
Jawaad, same as the others.
1) Paragraphing is an issue.
2) You have punctuation inaccuracies – you have occasionally over-punctuated.
33/40 (B)
March 30, 2015 at 4:15 pm
Did it go down from 35-33?
March 30, 2015 at 4:19 pm
Afraid so. You are using commas rather randomly and over-punctuating your sentences.
April 7, 2015 at 2:36 pm
The accuracy of your writing is now secure, apart from one slip in your use of ‘was/were’.
You still need to work on your use of paragraphs to add emphasis to your writing. You can use paragraphs more effectively to enhance the tone.
You need to give more of a sense of why the knock on the door is so significant earlier on in the piece. You withhold the information for too long which over manipulates the suspense.
Grade: 35/40 (B1)
April 8, 2015 at 11:33 pm
Sir, if possible could I have some feedback on all pieces.
April 12, 2015 at 9:43 pm
SIR…
April 14, 2015 at 9:48 am
Some good revisions. Your paragraphing is now secure.
Current grade: 36/40 (A2)