For the first time in human history, the obese outnumber the malnourished. Worldwide there are 925 million victims of malnourishment. However, an even greater number are obese, at an estimated 1.5 billion people globally. How grotesque is it that people are starving to death but others not far away are dying from being too fat?
At first glance malnourishment which has been the reality of human life for so long, seems to be a problem completely opposite to that of obesity. Something that has only been a significant public health concern for the last 30 years. As you shall see both obesity and malnourishment occur due to poverty. That is why I speak here today to tell you that such nonsense cannot stand as it is a disgrace to our predecessors to fall because of frankly speaking, stupid problems.
I am sure you will agree that poverty harms us all, so poverty is a problem worth solving. Here I’d like to explain the detrimental effects of poverty. Being below the poverty line causes the inability to feed oneself (particularly in developing countries). Or at least in developed nations, only unhealthy foods will be available at such low prices and thus obesity happens. Therefore, reducing poverty will reduce malnourishment and obesity. So, what I want to say is that I can fix both problems. The problems being, obesity arising in developed nations and malnutrition in developing nations. Both solutions are based on the influx of money in a structured way. If they’re not accepted then I guarantee a catastrophe is on its way. All I can do is hope that you will take my solutions and find the will to fix this incoming disaster.
My first solution combats the problem of mass obesity which usually occurs in developed countries. The solution is so simple but we continue to ignore it most likely due to the fact that we are a bit too comfortable with our luxurious and rich lifestyles. But I am telling you, your extravagant ‘lifestyles’ will be the not just the death of you but of us all. This solution is raising the national minimum wage. People with more disposable income can purchase healthier goods, and not be tied to fatty and rich foods instead allowing them to afford more nutritional food. Thus healthier food leads to a healthier diet, and less obesity all round. And so whatever position you and I may be in, it is vital that we fight against this disease, which is happening in front of our eyes and in our own homes. It’s cruel for such a preventable problem to continue so I am forced to ask you, do you think it is right not to adopt this easy solution?
My other solution aims to reduce poverty and inherently malnourishment in developing countries. Here people are starving to death because again there isn’t enough money around. The ignorant West continues to ignore this issue with no end in sight. It is unfortunate that the majority are just too lazy to do anything about it. My solution is for NGOs and banks to lend micro loans to those in rural areas such as farmers, with low-interest rates. This will increase their productivity. Then they can sell more to neighbours thus gaining more. So a farmer has larger stock which he (and these ‘neighbours’) can feed off of and a receive a larger income from increased sales. This structured way will make sure there isn’t even a problem of malnourishment to begin with. You may think this is ‘ridiculous’ or ‘impractical’ but how would you know if no one has bothered to try? Did you know that nothing is being done even though all economists already know of this easy fix? But now you’re also aware so if the problem continues then we know who to blame.
In conclusion, if we execute these simple solutions then the problem would be eliminated.That is poverty leading to obesity and malnourishment. We have sadly, reached a point in civilisation where we are forced to ask ourselves who we are but more importantly who we want to be? So I sincerely request now, that if you like me take a step to change how poverty affects people then there may no poverty at all.
January 29, 2015 at 12:52 pm
Jawwaad, this is a vast improvement on your last effort.
Targets:
1) You need to use some more language features typical of the genre (rhetorical questions, triplets, imperatives etc).
2) You should use some advanced punctuation features in your work.
3) Your argument is far clearer. However you need to ensure that your point develops throughout the piece.
4) Ensure all of your paragraphs have a clear point to them.
Current grade: 35 (B)
February 3, 2015 at 9:26 pm
Mr.Harris, I have updated it.-please read.
February 5, 2015 at 6:51 pm
Jawwaad, your argument is now more convincing, but you need to be less informative and more persuasive. More passion! You have hundreds of people listening to you, so how will you change this?
Your parapraphs are too long.
You need to develop your argument throughout.
Remember to use second person pronouns and imperatives to strengthen your argument.
Use emotive language.
March 25, 2015 at 6:15 am
Jawwaad, the feedback above still applies.
Think about how you are using paragraphs to delineate ideas and what language you are using to persuade.
Have a think about how adverts, for example, use language to persuade you to buy their products. This is a very different type of writing, but the principle is still the same.
Current grade: 33/40 (B)
March 30, 2015 at 4:06 pm
Jawwaad, similar issues:
1) Paragraph’s are not used accurately. They should be used to indicate a shift in idea, mood or thinking.
2) Your use of commas is inaccurate.
33/40 (B).
April 7, 2015 at 2:23 pm
Jawwaad, you need to reform some of your paragraphs. You should use paragraphs to indicate a change in focus and to emphasize your ideas.
Some of your sentences are too long – this affects the tone of your piece.
The development of ideas throughout is also hindered by the logical through line of your piece.
Total grade: 35/40 (B1)
April 14, 2015 at 9:46 am
You have made some strong revision. Nice work.
Current grade: 37/40 (A1)